It has been awhile since I've posted. So many things have changed in a flurry. I've moved Back to Ct. Got a Job working at Hair Cuttery. Worked at a tattoo parlor for a heartbeat, that ended badly given the fact Mr Matt decided to move to Vegas. I have words.... angry words about that situation. . . But . . . why waste them. I am now playing bass guitar again. Hopefully it wont be as fleeting as last time and I can actually enjoy being a part of a band for the first time. Well... besides all those times me and my friends pretended. Who knows, I may live out one of my dreams. May it open doors to the others. Living with mom again. And sharing a room with Em. A lil cramped but, ey, I'm home. Reunited with old friends. Spending time with family. Although I do miss my dad. Honestly. . . at this point nothing is completely terrible. Except for the emptyness. Yeah. I've been a little lonely. But you know what... I'd rather wait and see what happens.

*sigh* At this time i feel very confused. My heart no longer knows what its wants or what its doing. The people who want to help me and be close to me I push away. While I feel lonely, I choose to be alone. On days I work I wish for a day off where I could just be home alone with myself. But when Im alone I wish for company.

Its the same when it comes to Yancy aswell. I see him out dating other people, being secretive all of a sudden. Doesnt trust me to be anywhere near his phone as if he's hiding somthing. I know whats going on and I know who with. I hate the girl but I also hope they will be happy together. I hate him for not growing up and being responsible, yet I enable him but letting him slide on his responsibilities. Somtimes I think Im too nice, but when I step up and defend myself I feel as if Im being a huge hypocrite.

Life...Sucks.

Hrm, lifes little complexities. Work has been hectic. I'd hate to admit it but it gets ridiculously cold in there and it seems like our owner doesn't care at all. It's not just because of the heat. It's everything. He blames things on his employees that, to be exact, some of these problems start because he's on so many ups and downs and is constantly contridicting himself. Telling us were doing a great job, then two days later is angry just because someone...god forbid.... someone touched the thermostat. I took a poll recently of all the people I know. No one... I repeat... No one... will come back to a cold salon. Why? Because, getting your hair shampoo'd and then having to sit for 15 minutes...in the cold... with wet hair while its getting cut, isnt the most relaxing thing. Im not complaining for my sake. Im complaining for the clients sake. They can get seriously sick and sue him.

Besides work, my personal life has struck a melt-down point. I'm confused, jealous, angry, and just plain tired and want this part of my life to be over as soon as possible. I'm scared... and I'm alone with my fears. It's not fair but life was never supposed to be fair. I am starting to feel that I will never find the person I'm supposed to be with. Only because I seriously have BOTCHED every relationship I have been in. And now... more then ever is the first time that after breaking up with someone that Im not going into immediate train-wreck mode and sleeping with anyone who approaches me. In fact, I don't even want to date anyone for awhile. Because at this time I have not found anyone who will chase me, want to be around me, and love me unconditionally. I don't want another man that when things get hard will give up on me or completely ignore me. Apperantly said person does not exist.

There is only one person though... that I would be with if it where ever considered. But Im scared that part of my life has already drawn to a close. For years everytime I think about him my heart yells at me. When he's close I just want him to hold me, because it feels like he chases my worst demons away. Unfortunatly for me though, the light is fading. It seems as if he's already given up on me. Maybe I'm too late.

And here I am.... back in the darkness of my own mind.... unable to rest and still all the thoughts swirling around in my head. Even in sleep I have no escape. Its like everything in my life has been turned into a clusterfuck that no one can understand.

I wish I wasn't so negative but... without the words I need to hear... without the actions that need to be acted on... I am lost in this state of disarray.

So Yancy and I are no longer together. *sigh* I Know it's all for the best. My heart is no longer in this relationship. It's like the love we once had has sputtered out completely. I'm sick and tired of taking backseat to his failing music career. All he cares about is playing shows and practicing with his band all the time. He'd rather spend $40 a month on his practice space than take me out to dinner or OUT somewhere in general. He took me out ONCE two months ago, but only because he had to go out anyway and promote his show. For the past year and a half he's let our relationship crumble apart.

For the past three nights he's been out with his band and friends. Leaving me home alone. It just goes to show that no matter how much he says he cares, obviously whatever we had is indefinetly over. If I could justify moving up to CT now, I would do it in a heartbeat. But unfortunatly I have friends depending on me NOT to screw them over. Such as my manager, Beth. If I left her now, with the staff line-up as shakey as it is, she won't be ok. And my roommate Mary, whose always tried her best to have my back, needs me here to gaurantee that rent will be paid until she is ready to move out herself. Unfortunatly neither of us can trust yancy anymore to pay rent. He screwed up BIG TIME in Nov, accidently sending his check for rent through the mail, which they never received because it was a blank envelope, so we received a summons on our door at the end of the month. Ordering us to court if we didnt pay up. Threatening to evict us aswell. Thankfully his mom and a friend helped us make the payment.

It's sad to think the door is closing on this part of my life. But I see the light of what my future holds by making this decision. Hopefully I won't be disappointed. But The only one who can make things happen is me.

I don't think my path in life could be anymore crystal-clear laid out for me. By next august, Ive decided to move back home to CT. Hopefully live with my mom and step-dad and start working at the angry chair. Yancy and I are not doing so great right now. He knows I want to go home but refuses to come with me. Im at the point in my life that I need to do this for myself and no one else. If im to become better and more succesful I will take what I can from this experiance and move the fuck on with my life. There has never been that deep connection with us. One where you feel that without this person in your life it just wouldn't be the same. The harshness of the fact that I could live without him and be fine with it, is abrasive and causing inner termoil. I love yancy as a person but.... maybe we just werent meant to be. Its sucks things have to turn out this way. But my plan in life has turned into the fact that I NEED to be with my family and friends to feel like a whole person again, instead of being this machine that goes to work, plays vidio games, eats, shits, and sleeps. I never hang out with people, I hardly ever see my family including my little nephew. Im alone. Even with Yancy I feel utterly alone.

So life has a funny way of continueing in vicious cycles. Well I exaggerate a little. Things aren't ALL bad. I'm lucky to have a VERY caring family backing me. And believe in me when I am finding it hard to believe in myself. So I realize that I never continued my last post.

After the E.R. visit the night of the accident, things started to go downhill. On the upside, my mom came down from CT to help me and my dad came and went, doing everything in his power to get me the surgery I needed. Unfortunatly before mom could get down to VA Parham Dr's hospital brought me in to see the surgeon, who told me I needed 2 plates and 4 screws put into my fractured Tibia Plateau. For those of you who dont know what a Tibia is, it's your front leg bone, and at the very top near your kneecap is the plateau. Apperantly it's not a very common fracture. Trust me to break somthing that is hard to mend. But possible. They scheduled me for surgery. Forgive me for my day to day guidelines, at this time I was on one of the four painkillers perscribed to me. A few days later I went in for pre-op. The anesthesiologest told me the surgery was off because I am an epileptic. They did not want to deal with the risk of me having a seizure on the table without a Nuerologists consent that I had been taking my meds and had been seizure free for as long as I claimed. I left upset. Yancy's mom had brought me there and I left in tears and in anger, not just with the Dr's, but also with myself for not having kept up with my epilepsy.

Thats when we decided to see the recommended nuerologist. Dr. Hegab. Who gave us a HUGE break in writing the go-ahead for my surgery. Also giving me free Depakote samples until I could afford insurance. Because no one tells you Depakote costs $300 a bottle, for a months supply. My dad also decided that we should try going to his hospital in Virginia Beach. Hoping to get me admitted and put into surgery within a day or two. Unfortunatly they did the same as Parham Dr's Hospital. Only this time they refused because I lived too far away and was technically involved with another hospital in my area.

Then came Bon Secour St Mary's. A hospital I wouldn't even send my worst enemy to. The ER Dr. Williams, Treated my case like it was nothing but a sprained ankle. Apperantly no one admits for a broken leg, AND a newly discovered Blood Clot anymore. Its Arcaic. As he told my dad who only defended his own profession as A RN in Orthopedics. The X-ray Techs treated me as if I wasn't even there. Talking over me, and moving my leg every which way they pleased, not stopping to ask if it hurt. As for the good Dr. He ended up in a shouting match with my father, and had security escourt him off the premises. All of this happened because they tried talking to me by myself, not allowing my mother or father in. I was so hopped up on painkillers I didnt understand what BS they where trying to feed me. Then the preceded to dismiss me from th er with a perscription for an $1800 medication for the blood clot that I couldn't afford. The Patient advocate was rather rude when telling us just how much it cost BTW. It was like there was a stick up her ass. Since when Do PATIENT advocates defend Dr's who treat the patients like shit? Anywho, the dr changed his tune once my mom to the advocate that if I went home and died from the blood clot because I couldnt afford the medication they wanted to send me HOME with, she wanted to know who to come after when she decided to sue.
I love my family.
So then The Dr came back in and told us that if we went to MCV Hospital in the city, they might admit me and also help me pay for the medication with their VCC program. Considering that he had caused us so much trouble the Tip was appreciated. although the bill wasnt.

SO ON TO MCV!
The next day My parents brought me to MCV. While they didnt admit me into the hospital, they did help me get the medication I needed for the clot. At an extremely low price. They also set me up with the knee-orthopedic clinic, who saw me the next day and set me up with Dr. Zuelzer. Who had agreed to do my surgery. Within less then a week I was finally brought in for surgery. My parents, boyfriend, and his mother waited in the waiting room during what ended up being a 2-hr ordeal. Then I was cast aside to recover for 12 hrs. I can't say it was the happiest night of my life. Going in and out of pain and having to use a bed-pan for the first time EVER was alot to deal with. Unfortunatly my run of bad luck didnt end with Bon Secour. When it was time for me to go home, the nurse I had took me off the morphine drip, saying she'd be right back with some pain meds to block off any pain that was sure to come once the morphine wore off. Unfortunatly for me I started feeling pain only moments after she took the drip off, I told the nurse but she waved it off, and said she'd be back shortly. Little did we know was that she went to go dismiss a more important patient and then went off to lunch. 45 minutes later she came back to find 3 drs and a few nurses holding me down and putting a nerve block in my leg to get rid of the pain quickly. The pain had been so bad, I couldn't think, all I could do was cry, shake, and scream uncontrollably. My dad and yancy had been with me, of what I can remember. And my dad had gone in and out of the room, trying to track down the nurse that just left me, or anyone for that matter that could help.

The nurse then had to inject a painkiller or somthing and she set the shot down on my bed covers before injecting me, then when she injected and pulled it out, she realized she hadn't put it all in and re-injected with the SAME needle. My Dad flew off the handle when he saw that. Almost getting thrown out of that hospital aswell but a Nurse who understood and had been watching let him stay. My dad had been only trying to keep any more harm from me. Im thankful he was there to watch over me, when I was unable to do anything for myself. Then they decided to admit me.. finally. I ended up spending 2 nights in the orthopedics wing, in my own room. My mom and yancy switched off nights, so to keep an eye on me. The first night I accidently overdosed myself because I had been so drugged up that I kept pressing the button that controlled my drip. Fortunatly for me the nurse I had caught it when my blood pressure started to drop.

Finally I was able to go home and heal. The pain medications kinda through me off once in awhile. But now Im ok.

I never thought I'd have to ever visit a Hospital for anything but my epilepsy. However April 12, 2010 I was proved wrong when I got into a motor-scooter accident.

The past week there had been construction going on on my road. This day in particular they had finished one side, the side my apartment complex enterance is on. I was coming home from work, on the side of hilliard that had been scraped of pavement that day, the road was uneven, and not nearly enough light to see the 2-3 height differance between the paved and unpaved sides. Which was lined by slippery pebbles all over. There where no signs from where I got on at Brooke rd, no cones, nothing to warn about the construction, there where not even lines to seperate the lanes. I slowed down to under 10 mph, coming down from 20 in which I had been going trying to be cautious on the unpaved side. I started to pull up onto the new pavement to get in the usually marked turning lane to turn into my complex, but my front wheel lost it's grip on the loose gravel and uneven road, as I struggled to correct myself I lost control over the bike and fell, my leg twisting and my bike falling on top of it. Panicing I looked around and saw cars coming, I was in the turning lane but the pavement was still unmarked so there was a possibility I could have been run over. I moved slightly to find out where the pain was and realised my left leg and my left elbow had been hurt, so I lifted my free, un-hurt right arm and started waving and calling out for help. Within 2 minutes a lady passed me then stopped, turned around and pulled up to me slowly, so that her headlights would shine on me. When she got out of her car she told me she was already on the phone with 911. I could only reply in cries of pain, as she told the operator as much as she could about my condition. A guy appeared moments later with tattoo's, who I guessed had also stopped his car. He asked me if I was ok and If I needed him to call anyone to let them know what had happened to me. With my good arm I handed him my phone and told him to call my boyfriend Yancy, who currantly lives with me and was still at work. After what seemed like five minutes we heard sirens and the ambulance, fire trucks, and police cars had shown up. Soon I was surrounded by people asking me what hurt, where, how much it hurt, what happened, etc etc. It was like every person wanted and answer right then and there and another asked me a question before the first person was even done. I was in so much pain that I barely could keep up with the speed of people asking and my answering. After my helmet was carefully removed a neck-brace was strapped around my neck, and I was(as gently as possible) shuffled onto a board, I was put into the ambulance. Asked more questions but it was a relief to have on one person asking them. The ambulance had to slow down a few times because the pain in my leg had gotten unbareable, the emt wrapped mt left elbow in gauze die to extensive road rash and put a band-aid on my hand to keep it from getting infected.

(to be continued)

It's been 2 months since we talked. In any and all forms of communication. If he where to call I would have treated him as normal and would have seen it as a sign that he actually cared and meant all the things he had said to me. But life is cruel and doesn't always work out the way you dreamt it.

I want him out of my dreams. But I wake some mornings angry that he is in them at all. I'd thought it would stop when he was completely removed physically. Unfortunatly it isnt so.

In any case I'm better off. I beleive I've already found my one, already. And thats more then ALOT of ppl can say. But then again... you don't really need another person to be happy. I'd just rather have him in my life is all. Yancy has helped me indirectly, grow the fuck up. And has stayed with me despite unfavorable actions. I write these entries hoping to shed light on my problems. I find they help therapeutically, because once you write down how your feeling atm, you can go back the next day with a fresh perspective and say WTF was I thinking? Or- My god I need to get over this shit and move on,- even- I need another fuckin past-time.

It takes too long to fix a broken heart completely. So most of us use super-glue for the temporary fix. But unfortunatly there are those men whom come back into your heart again, just to rip your handy-work back apart. Then date some girl you knew back in the day. To add insult to injury you used to work at the place said girl boarded her horse and you shoveled its shit while dreaming that ONE day, MAYBE just MAYBE you'd have your own horse. But that day never came. My mommy and daddy where never rich, and couldn't buy me one, so all I had back then where dreams.

It brings to mind how much a HATE that some children are just given what they want cause their parents are well off. They never have to struggle, work, or fight for what they want like some of us regular joe's. I hate the show cribs... especially TEEN cribs, and Sweet 16. Where you get to see spoiled little teens fuss about how their 1,000 dollar b-day cake isnt 'just right'. Or how they whine hopefully that daddy and mommy BETTER get that car they want cause now they can drive. Excuse me... I DIDNT have a sweet 16... or 18 b-day bash. Nor did I get a Lexis or Hummer.

I can say one thing about that ex and his new girl. It won't last... and if it does... they deserve eachother. Honestly I dont know why Im so pissed about it. He has to see me with Yancy. It would only be fair right? Love is fucked up. Especially when you love two very opposite people. Maybe Im better off being with someone who is willing to fight for me. Because my ex, has never lifted a finger to do so SINCE we broke up. It took him 2 YRS to realize just what he lost... and had ample time to take me back. I blame him. He did this to us, to me.

I kills me as a passive person to say that the anger from this burns my heart.I dont know how much more of this shit I can take before just blocking him out. Though Tom and amanda would be pissed if I did so. Fuck it. I think the one thing that pisses me off the most about all this is that I talked to him 2 days before I found out they where together. And He said NOTHING about her. We're SUPPOSED to be friends. And he cant even tell me
about a potential GF after her told me, amanda, and Tom that he was 'done' with relationships for awhile....

........

Jackass

Wow... I cant beleive im finally crunching down on the bit and writing this. But I need to get it off my chest and out of my head and in the past this has usually worked to rid myself of feelings I'd rather avoid. Livejournals are like leeches in this aspect. I find that once I write how Im feeling I feel better. And whatever WAS the problem is instantly fixed.

So here goes. My ex Ryan is dating a girl named Jamie. I used to work at the stable where she boarded her horse, and cleaned up its shit on a daily basis. Talking about adding insult to previous injury.

Dont get me wrong... I LOVE YANCY to death, but Ryan is somthing of my past I can't seem to shake off. No matter how much I try. We found that out this past christmas when I went to visit my family in CT. That we definetly WERENT over eachother. It's like ripping open an old wound and throwing salt into it.

I would never hurt yancy, I know how the stats weigh out in between both of them. And Yancy wins out EACH and EVERY time. Why? Because... well... I dunno... he's just Yancy. I just cant explain the extreme jealousy I feel over Ryans new gf. His recent ex I was fricken friends with. I was friends with Jamie back in the day too. WTF! Is wrong with my brain.

Somedays I find myself over-analyzing my own relationship. Asking myself if this is where I wanna be in 10 yrs. I find it scary that I cannot answer. At this point I feel half-insane. And have said to myself on numerous occasions that I couldnt answer, that in two years, if Im not happy, it's over. Honestly I know I probably wont keep that self promise, but it helps the pain, knowing I have given myself a time limit. I wont make the same mistake again. Be in a relationship that goes no-where for 4 yrs, is a waste of time that I will not repeat for anyone. But even I know that there are exceptions. So I can't full-heartedly commit to this.